REVISED PASSAGE

Date: 10/20/96

TO: General Manager

FROM: Research & Development

SUBJECT: Beta Testing of Textra

We have contacted all of our beta testers, and most of them have agreed to evaluate Textra. However, several hesitate to sign the confidentiality statement, and this has delayed testing. Consequently, we are seeking other, more willing testers. To reach our test quota on time, we will offer new testers and additional $200. We expect them to accept.

Last Tuesday, we surveyed our testers who have used Textcheck, and we believe many of them will switch to Textra if they find it easier and more productive to use. We expect to hear from them soon.

To keep you informed of our progress, I will send you a status report weekly. I am sure we will complete the testing on time.

(Word Count: 119)

REASONS FOR REVISING PASSAGE

Numbers below are those of the original sentences.

(1) Delete this sentence. The "Subject" entry tells the reader what the report is about. Since the request is "recent," the reader should be able to recall that it was requested. By deleting the sentence, the writer can avoid the cliche "per your recent request" and the redundancy of "current" and "status."

(2) "It appears" is an expletive - omit it. Change "contact has now been made" to "we have contacted." This will convert passive to active, which will make the agent of the action clear and convert the hidden verb. "Reached an agreement" is a hidden verb; it means "agree." So is "perform an evaluation," which means "evaluate." Insert a comma before "and" because this is a compound sentence.

(3) The word "however" is misplaced; it should go at the beginning of the sentence. Hidden verb in "are hesitating," which can be changed to "hesitate." Prepositional chain in "because of the fact that," so delete it.

(4) Delete the first prepositional chain ("As a result of") and combine this and previous sentence. Convert passive to active to show cause and effect relation, that "hesitation" is the cause of the delay.

(5) The phrase "now in the process of" is redundant with the present tense verb "seeking," so omit the phrase. Redundancy in "reluctant and unwilling."

(6) "In order to" is a prepositional chain - omit it. "in a timely manner" is a hidden adverb; change it to "on time."

(7) "It is" is an expletive - omit it. "Expectation" is a hidden verb - change to "expect." "In a positive way" is a hidden adverb" - change to "positively" or "favorably."

(8) "Earlier this week" is abstract - change to "Tuesday." Hidden verb in "conduct a survey," so change it to "survey."

(9) "It is clear" is an expletive - omit it. "Will have an effect" is a hidden verb; change it to "affect" and then omit it.

(10) "It is my suspicion" contains an expletive and hidden verb - change it to "I suspect." Insert a comma for the compound sentence. "Input" is abstract - change to "hear from."

(11) The sentence is periodic - reorder to get the main point up front. The first two clauses are redundant - omit one. "In an effort to" is a prepositional chain. "On a weekly basis" is a hidden adverb - change to "weekly."

(12) "I have every confidence" is a hidden adjective - change to "I am confident." "Handle" is abstract - change to "complete."